W oof! Gather around, fellow four-leggers, because I’m about to share some pawsitively valuable wisdom. Trust me, this is going to be good, but first, a little background about me.

I just celebrated my seventh birthday—that’s 49 in human years. I’m officially a middle-aged dog, complete with a distinguished gray muzzle to prove it. Getting older isn’t always easy. I’m slowing down just a tad, but I still swim every day and chase after every fetch opportunity I can find.

Now, here’s the upside of all those years: I’ve cracked the code to controlling two-leggers’ minds! That’s right—I’ve discovered The Secret, and they’re powerless against my canine charms.

Here’s the deal: I’ve mastered the art of getting two-leggers to do almost anything I want. And today, I’m sharing my secrets with you. Can I get a “Woof” for that?

First, you need to understand that most two-leggers genuinely love us four-leggers. (Sure, every now and then, you’ll meet one who isn’t into us—they usually have a bit of the sad smells.) Recognizing how much most two-leggers adore us is key. Once you know they want to make us happy, you’re ready for the next step.

To bend a two-legger to your will, you’ve got to use your… eyes. Yep, our eyes are our secret superpower! It takes a little effort, though. Start by holding perfectly still, putting on your most adorable expression, and locking eyes with theirs.

Stare deeply, and if they say something sweet, give your tail a wag. That positive reinforcement makes them eager to do more for you.

Let’s try an example. Say you’re itching to swim in the lake, but your two-legger pack is distracted with their (obviously less important) tasks. Step one: position yourself right in their line of sight. Step two: sit down and gaze into their eyes with unwavering focus. Step three: when they finally notice you, saunter over and deliver the ultimate weapon—the muzzle nuzzle. No self-respecting, dog-loving two-legger can resist a good muzzle nuzzle, so lay it on thick!

That’s it! Before you know it, your two-legger will be leading you to the lake, thinking it was their idea all along. (But we four-leggers know the truth, don’t we?)

Jim McCoy